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The Slut Wiki

A very brief introduction to Slut News

There is a Facebook Messenger group with which you may be familiar if you have arrived on this page. Familiar, yet perplexed. There are so many references, nuances, idioms, and a cornucopia of other thingummies (for ‘Thingummies’ see below). How to navigate without a safe referential haven for remedial therapy? Well Sluts, here is that oasis: 

 

Bake Off

The origins of the Sluts largely lie in Peter’s now-deleted Tinder message history, but the initial social bonding of all Sluts took place on a weekly basis in late summer 2016, when they would meet for dinner at various Chez Slut locations and watch the Great British Bake Off. This was a contrivance to alleviate the trauma of Peter’s heavy socialising organisation ordeal. He created a platform for us all to get on with organising it ourselves.

 

Slut News

Initially ‘Slut News’ was used as mock-branding for vacuous, gay-interest messages between Sluts Peter and James H, but within a week was appropriated by George to become the new name for the group.

 

 

Current Sluts

Adam W

Alan

Alex

Caroline 

David

Dan D

Daniel B

Emma

Fabio

Fran

George

Jack

Jake

James H

James M

James K

Jesse

John

Konrad

Leo

Lewis

Mathieu

Matthew/Christopher (see below)

Mr Tin (he's back!)

Oliver

Patrick

Ramzy

Robert M

Robert S (potentially)

Samuel

Seb

Shiv

Steve

Tim/Rim

Tom

Yining

Zack

 

Former Sluts

Peter

Rocco

Théo

Ted

Martin

Jamie

Oli

Will

Eric

Adam T

Adam R

Elen (temporary self withdrawal)

 

The Slut Party

In the build-up to the 2017 UK general election, the Sluts proposed their own political party. Initially led by Yining, she was caught up in a Russian scandal when pictures of her on horseback emerged, making her look almost identical to Vladimir Putin, and she was forced to stand down. Robert M took over leadership but, despite a considerable swelling, failed to win a majority. However, he gleefully celebrated the megalolz of a “hung” parliament and the Sluts were as much winners as any established party. Notable in this campaign were Westminster Insider and candidate for Minister for the Front End, Jake’s devotion to reporting election updates live, and throughout the night when it came to the election date, and also party Spin Doctor, James H’s ruthless communications.

 

Fudge-Packing Flat 4, Queens Road, New Cross Gay-t

The Slut hub until September 2017, this is where the following Sluts have lived and hosted dinners/parties: Fran, Peter, Alan, Shiv and Jake.

 

Théo Frilet

A French actor, not well known in London but referred to as “incredibly famous” nevertheless. He has appeared in a number of gay-interest French films. Mathieu is “Facebook friends” with him, and Théo was briefly in the Slut group, but alas, he withdrew himself without explanation. He was then re-added, and invited on the France road trip of August 2017 (the organisation of which featured prominently a still from a film in which Théo is on a road trip). Théo decided it was time to “draw a line” under this mithering (Northern for “pestering”). He sent a message to Mathieu, insisting he would have to be our unobtainable heterosexual idol. Mathieu was livid, and Théo’s claimed heterosexuality shocked the group.

 

Q-Boy

An incredibly famous gay rapper, or “raper”, in much the same way Théo Frilet is incredibly famous. Mathieu has seen his penis, and certain sections of his Channel 4 documentary.

 

Twinkies

An American snack which is amusing due to its name sounding like a gay tribe, and its appearance resembling anal discharge. A spoof campaign for the snack exists, with imagery featuring various Sluts surrounded by Twinkies and emojis – notably, Peter is topless in this campaign.

 

Drip Droppin’ Way Down Law

An Alexandra Burke lyric from the song, Start Without You. The word ‘low’ has been replaced with “law” in order to mock Mathieu’s pronunciation of both words as “low”.

 

Alexandra Burke in general

Her frequent appearance in video form at Slut dinners has resulted in her song ‘Bad Boys’ becoming a Slut anthem. Notably she once played on repeat for quite some time, until George was informed that he could change the channel only when the door to the TV box was open. She has new material in 2018 and no one has yet registered particular excitement.

 

Mr Tin

Martin is once again a member of The Slut Party. Preceding his invitation he became known as “Mr Tin” due to a series of drunken messages sent on the night of Sam’s birthday, in which the ‘a’ in his name was substituted with the Caps Lock key, spelling MRTIN. Mr Tin was at The Yard in Hackney Wick on the same night a number of Sluts celebrated Sam’s birthday at the same venue. He disappeared early, around the same time Patrick also disappeared, and this mystery remains unsolved. He left the Sluts but was re-introduced when he finally shook hands with the Principal Planner at a Slut dinner.

 

Rhyming with names

Members of the Slut group can often be referred to with something which rhymes with their name. For example, Matthew once went to Morocco with Rocco. Other examples are “Winning with Yining” and potentially “Messy with Jesse”.

 

Whet Totty

Despite all the haters saying he couldn’t do it, Jake managed to buy a flat in Totteridge & Whetstone, or “Whet Totty” for short. 

 

dandenton

For a substantial amount of time, Rob’s flatmate Dan – referred to as ‘dandenton’, or his assumed drag name, Miss Danthrope – was an elusive presence. He has subsequently been incorporated into the group, where he remains largely silent in the message thread, and occasionally present but quiet at events (UPDATE: with the exception of his and James H’s GLORIOUS VICTORY of summer 2017, beating the children at Rob’s birthday organised fun). He is the opposite of…

 

Lord Hicks

The alter-ego of George when performing on stage. George never misses an opportunity to strip to his pants and play tunes to the Sluts on a pink ukulele. In summer he is mostly found at the Men’s Pond on Hampstead Heath.

 

Thingummies

As an intrepid linguist, it’s often easy to forget that English is Mathieu’s second language. His excellent grasp of the girthy nuances in colloquial English is largely down to his learning a comprehensive database of phrases and idioms, saved as “stickies” within his laptop interface. They are called “thingummies” however, because this is itself an example of colloquial nonsense. The name also applies to pretty much anything else.

 

Peter on a rampage

The first rampage took place around Christmas 2016, when we all had fun nicknames in the group. Peter ruthlessly reverted them all to our conventional first names, and the fun died. The second rampage took place on the eve of Bastille Day, when Mathieu and James were behaving like children, thinking it hilarious to add inappropriate people to the group. They were briefly suspended, and the fun died. Although they were suspended at night and it remains unclear if lessons were learned in sleep.

 

CMJB

Matthew shockingly concealed his real name from the group for a year, until he had to make a bank transfer with some suspicious initials appearing on the reference. It turns out he is actually Christopher Matthew James Ball (Not Christopher Matthew James Hall, to clarify – they are two separate Sluts).

 

Buffet Style

Matthew is yet to host a Slut dinner, despite advertising them and suddenly cancelling at short notice. Once he proposed a buffet, and his invitation read like a Grindr message full of sexual innuendo, such as being able “to accom buffet style” and proposing to “pos cottage pie”. The term “Buffet Style” arguably should have taken off as a Slut catchphrase, but alas, it hasn’t yet…

 

Front End/Back End

In web development, “back end” refers to coding and “front end” refers to the user interface. This is funny in relation to Jake, because he is gay and works on the front end in Parliament, which sounds like he gives blow jobs to MPs for a living. It’s also funny in relation to our “Digital Nomad” Tim, who is also gay and works on the back end, although he does not like rimming. As such, he is referred to as “Rim” because it rhymes with Tim.

 

High five the waiter

On a Slut trip-droppin’ way down law to Paris in May 2017, staying not in “Paris” but what I call “Boulogne-Billancourt”, there was an evening of drinks at a roof terrace bar. When Mathieu approached a waiter, asking to charge his phone behind the bar, the waiter put his hand out to take the phone. Mathieu mistook this as an invitation to high five, and went for it with gusto. This unfortunate high five was rivalled for “most embarrassing of the year” by Jeremy Corbyn’s the day after the election.

 

Robert Sheehan

In September 2017 another curly haired actor was introduced to the Slut fraternity. Taking no heed of the omens surrounding Théo Frilet, this ongoing moral quandary is mining the deepest recesses of Sluts’ susceptibility to mindless celebrity culture and lustful leave of perspective. Robert is to live with Mathieu in what I call Whitechapel, following the ruthless rejection of a few non-celebrities who really wanted to live there. 

 

“What I call…”

A catchphrase of Miranda Hart in her eponymous sitcom, it has been appropriated by Sluts, both those who adore the sitcom and those who do not. The phrase precedes only thingummies which are universally referred to what is presented as a unique idiosyncrasy. 

 

“Is he circumcised?”

A catchphrase of Slut Fran, who is very interested in men’s penises.

 

Olly Alexander

YET ANOTHER curly haired so-called celebrity, tenuously associated with the Sluts. Jameses K and H, as well as Peter with James H on one occasion, have all bumped into, chatted to, or stared vacantly at him. James K is particularly notable for sharing a gym with Olly in Stoke Newington; they once had a notoriously problematic “chat” in the lifting-heavy-things studio. Olly is an actor, appearing in the play Aliens and the film The Riot Club, and more famously known as the singer in Years & Years.

 

Bottomless Brunch

Does what it says on Mr Tin. Brunch with tops. 

 

If you take issue with any of the entries on this page, please do scribble furiously your indignation and fax it somewhere.