Episode 18: Dan's Reply

Ep18

It's the moment you've been waiting for; finally this podcast has trimmed the fat, and produced an episode that's all Dan and no James! Although James doesn't have any fat to trim; maybe we've trimmed the limbs. So Dan says James' pod-card was too short, and then he goes and makes a shorter one. Try not to think of this as a good thing, otherwise it will come as a shock later in the autumn when these become half hour monologues...

Episode 16: Normandy

Ep16

Series Three begins in Dan's peaceful countryside holiday retreat, when it turns out he hasn't been very good at hiding its specific location from James. This series is unlike your usual episodes, since James has decided to leave the country half way through recording the autumn series. So we present instead a series of "pod-cards"; digital postcards sent between France and London, and regular episodes will resume in the new year.

Episode 15: Happy Hour

Episode 15: Happy Hour

This week we’re out of the Private Practice and in a public place to talk about genuine therapy for a change. Dan arrives from his own session, shaken, and initially in no state to stir James. It’s the final episode of Series 2, and for once James takes the subject of therapy seriously, while Dan brings up bodily fluids. 

Episode 13: Here and Now – Part 2

Episode 14: Here and Now – Part 2

This week we create some essential conflict and count each other’s eyes, because life has no obvious inherent meaning, and it feels great. This podcast is absolutely not going to seal the legacy of either Dan or James, they have failed. And they encourage you to fail too, because you might notice some new flavours in your water. 

Episode 13: Here and Now – Part 1

Episode 13: Here and Now – Part 1

Forget everything. Imagine nothing. Join us for a thigh-slapping, eye counting, fudge packing hour of uninhibited ecstasy. And what’s even better, this is the week Dan finally manages to get James to shut up. This will be the greatest hour of your life today, because nothing else matters. 

Episode 12: Susan

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This week my aunt’s breasts are on fire. Having learnt a few lessons from last week, James just about manages to tell the story of a life without making half of it about himself. This episode is particularly upbeat on the whole, but does contain some details of a suicide which may be upsetting. 

Music credits:
Handel recordings from Archive.org

Episode 11: Grandma

Episode 11: Grandma

In an ode to a remarkable woman who lived for a century, James spends half of it talking about himself. This is how not to live your life, fabulously, and is a template you can adopt whenever you find yourself in a hotel room with a screwdriver.

Music credits:
Edith Piaf and Julie Andrews from Archive.org

Episode 10: Lovers

Episode 10: Lovers

Fans of toilet humour will be disappointed this week as we venture close to a genuine therapy session. Setting out to demonstrate that having feelings is not a shameful thing to internalise, James digs to find one and discovers plenty of unexpected flavours when the pot gets stirred. It is, however, a distraction from bodily fluids, which only have a very minor role to play, courtesy of a tortoise trotting around the Private Practice. 

Episode 9: Jealousy

Episode 9: Jealousy

James is back in the Private Practice for his first proper session of the year. Are you feeling jealous towards his receipt of Dan’s wise response to his thoughts and feelings? Well in this episode we discuss times when the jealous party has got the wrong end of the unicorn’s glittery erection. 

Episode 8: Onwards & Backwards

Ep8 Onwards & Backwards

We’re back in the Private Practice with new episodes, new ways to listen, and new ideas of Irvin Yalom to regurgitate and pack into fudge boxes. As you’ll hear, we’ve bent time all over the place for this episode and Dan is not entirely happy about the situation. For those of you who like their synopsis a little more straight forward, this episode is a discussion of what’s to come in series 2 in the Private Practice.

Music credits:
The Fat Green Kid, Soviet Jazz – from Archive.org

Episode 7: Executing Christmas

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Loneliness, death, a medium-sized sack, our Christmas Special has it all. Packing in jokes, games, and a whole fistful of festive fudge, this is therapy at its most something-or-other. This Christmas Dan(xious) and James offer you the gift of meaning in your otherwise pointless life.  

Thanks to Manzi, Jess, Dan’s mum and Mathieu for essential contributions to this episode.

Episode 6: Catharsis

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Putting the arse into catharsis, James attempts to work out what conclusions he can draw so far, but can’t help going off on a number of tangents. For Dan this is the final straw. Next series he wants feelings, he wants tears. 

What’s more, it’s not over when it ends. Outstaying its welcome, this episode piles up a load of bonus material at the end, even though rubbish collection is not until next Tuesday…

And just to reiterate something which may get lost in this episode, Private Practice is in no way sponsored by any brand of whiskey, because that would be totally inappropriate for such a serious programme about mental health issues. 

Episode 5: Status

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This week we unearth the grotesque. The most sickening symptoms of celebrity culture come crawling out of the wounds of a lonely child so desperate to be liked. This episode might make you feel queasy, but therapy proves that things are better out than in. If you’ve ever dreamt of fame and fortune, it’s time to look at yourself from the other side of the mirror, and update your status. 

Apologies for the subtle interference during this recording, but DAN KEPT HIS PHONE ON AND PROMISES HE WON’T DO IT AGAIN. 

Episode 4: Autism

Autism

Something is up this week. Maybe it’s the humidity, maybe it’s the problematic consequence of James removing his trousers upon arrival at the Private Practice. We never set out to drop the A bomb so soon, this was meant to be an episode about vanity. But James’ internal conflict was such that an autistic clusterfudge erupted in the room and sat in the thick air, clouding any insight and commanding the agenda. What follows is a thorough assessment of James’ position on the autistic spectrum. We went through all 50 questions in the autism test, but for your sanity many of these have been edited out. However, James’ score is very much out of 50, so don’t go on a rampage if you’re keeping a tally while/whilst you listen and it doesn’t add up to the same figure you hear in the programme.  

Episode 3: Confidence

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If you were thinking James seems sweet and innocent (“aah, he thinks he’s a megalomaniac but really he was just kind and lonely as a child”), it’s time you saw through to his darker side. Making cancer jokes, staring at men in the changing room… In this episode Dan asks some excellent questions about the feelings behind anxiety and confidence, which James spectacularly fails to answer. But don’t worry, we’ll come back to this subject by about episode 234, whereby you’ll definitely have all the answers you need. Please be prepared for lots of fun distorting strong language in ways which totally don’t conceal the words at all.

Episode 2: Megalomania

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Having decided to “give Dan a go”, James arrives to his first proper session on the lips sofa with a burning question; was he a megalomaniac child? When it turns out this was meant to be a rhetorical question, the extent to which James will require many further sessions becomes all too clear.

Warning: Contains material about complex subjects which some listeners may find problematically simplistic.